Perhaps Nintendo is sick of you

The following is a guest opinion column by our associate streamer, Games N Moorer's Joseph Moorer. 

Remember this day. The day you read this op-ed. The day you turn your back on me. The day you point your finger and refer to me as a Nintendo corporate shill. The day you all say “He’s wrong, and here’s why...:” and then you turn my opinion into a rant from a defensive posture because you think I’m speaking directly to you, personally. Truth is, you’re probably right about that last one. 

I think Nintendo is sick of you. Yes, you. The "fans". All of you. The general “you”! And let me tell you why.

Nintendo is a company. Of course, as a company, Nintendo's number one goal is to make money. And so, rightly, every decision Nintendo makes is aimed squarely at that goal - the preservation and growth of Nintendo as an organization. And yet, over the years, the Nintendo fan community has seemed to love nothing more than complaining about Nintendo; complaining to friends, complaining in magazines, complaining online. And maybe - just maybe - some of these complaints would carry a little bit of weight, if consumers in general had any sort of loyalty to Nintendo. But no, the company - for all it's successes - has mostly just been taking swings in the dark, because half of the time gamers reject what they are being offered.

Let's take a walk through your fickle relationship with Nintendo. We have to go all the way back to 1983. This was soon after the Atari/E.T debacle (do your research). Nintendo has single handedly saved the video game industry with Famicom/Nintendo Entertainment System, and now the company holds 90% of the market share. Nintendo never bragged about that. They just mind their business, quietly swimming around in their vaults of gold coins. 

Flash forward to 1989, and here comes Sega, with the Sega Mega Drive/Genesis. (Not you, Master System, you barely count.) And they get Joe Montana and Evander Holyfield to do a Sega commercial screaming, “GENESIS DOES WHAT NINTENDON’T.” Nintendo doesn’t budge. They just quietly release the Super Nintendo in 1990 with the tagline “Now you’re playing with power, Super Power!” Instead of “Nintendo Is what Genesisnt!” And yes, I made that up. The Super Nintendo becomes one of the most popular consoles of all time.

Then in 1996, Nintendo turns up the heat. The Nintendo 64 is released. (Cue the Christmas kid screaming NINTENDO 64). Previously known as the Ultra 64, the system has promise. The first 3D Mario Game. Killer Instinct, supposedly. And Goldeneye, which means some late night 4 player couch play!  The N64 controller (you called it “weird”) also had the first analog stick, rumble features, and even memory card slots. The Playstation (which comes out in 1995, and was originally designed to be Nintendo’s Disc System) doesn’t release their Dual Shock until 1997. 

And what do you do? You buy 102 Million PlayStations, but only 32 Million N64s. Because Super Smash Brothers, Ocarina of Time, and those WWF games just aren’t good enough. You want Final Fantasy VII, Tekken, and Jumping Flash. Ok, I want Jumping Flash too, but still! 

Nintendo answers, still unrattled in 2001, thinking you want disc-based systems, so they release the Gamecube. A 4 player system, the Gamecube uses mini discs, because Nintendo are rightfully worried about piracy (but you would never pirate Nintendo games, right?). It also releases the hyper competitive and now controversial Super Smash Brothers Melee. This is your favorite Smash ever. You love this game so much, you hold tournaments as early as 2002. Nintendo is back in your hearts. They can do no wrong. 

They even have multiplatform games like Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, and Capcom VS SNK 2. They have Luigi’s Mansion!  Even Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes is special released on this little engine that could! Sega tries to compete, releasing the Sega CD, 32X, Sega Saturn, and the Sega Dreamcast, all to no avail. (A system you poop on with ridiculous levels of piracy, but that’s a different op-ed called “YOU killed the Dreamcast.) 

But what do you do? You buy the Playstation 2! To the tune of 155 Million units! God Of War, ya’ll. You only buy 22 million Gamecubes. You buy more of Microsoft’s first system than you did the loyal and thoughtful Gamecube. Shame! 

Now, Nintendo, again, quietly counting their money from the past and future handheld market (Gameboy, Advance, Mini, Lite, SP, DS, DSi, DSi Lite, 3DS, 3DSXL,NEW, 2DS, 2DSXL), decides to stick with the disc based console, and releases the Nintendo Wii, with MOTION CONTROLS! And this one sells like gangbusters! It even has a built-in Gamecube compatibility! It has online functionality, multi-platform games like Rockband, Just Dance, and Call of Duty. And Super Smash Brothers Brawl gives you “SNAAAAAAAAKE!” 

Keeping the 4-player vibe, they jam pack everything into this one. It has a news channel, a forecast channel, a picture channel, and...what’s this...the ESHOP!? Digital games at your fingertips. And Virtual Console! Wait...What is this? I can buy NES, Super NES,  Sega Genesis (Look how that worked out), N64 games, AND Turbo Graphix-16 games. Oh, this is what we all wanted! You buy it to the tune of 101 million! 

Of course, what do you say then, with your fickle loyalties? You say “It’s Not HD! Shovelware! It’s only cool if your grandma wants to play! Smash Brothers Brawl has a tripping mechanism! The online functionality, albeit free, SUCKS BUTT!”

So Nintendo, in their effort to please you, (Yeah, YOU)  releases the WiiU in 2012, and it’s essentially an HD version of the Wii. It comes with a separate tablet that not only allows some cool multiplayer features, but allows you to play the thing almost anywhere in your house. It also has your beloved Call of Duty. It is fully backward compatible, with not only Wii Games, but every damn Wii controller and accessory you bought. 

The eShop is back, with a built-in mechanism that if you bought any of the Virtual Console legacy content, you could buy it on the WiiU for CHEAP! And added Gameboy Advance Games! Folders? Yep. Online? You bet! Eshop music? Heck yeah! Cloud and Bayonetta in Smash 4?! YAS! Windwaker and Twilight Princess HD? Sure! This thing has video conferencing before Zoom is cool. This thing even has Splatoon, and it’s own social network called the MiiVerse, which is putting inappropriate people in virtual jail before Twitter made it cool! 

And what do you do? NOTHING! You blame it on poor marketing, and only buy 13.56 Million units. You shame Nintendo for “Being too late.” You say “What am I going to do with 16/32 gigs of space?”, even though the system is fully expandable via USB sticks and SD Memory cards! Your craziest complaint? “It only comes in two colors.” WUCK?!

Finally, Nintendo starts talking about the next console, and they call it “codename NX”. You, the dreamers, the leakers, the twitterers, start an info frenzy! Grabbing info anywhere you can get it (real or not), you reshare, retweet, and make up your own theories. You became content creators, making multiple videos, because your rumors are destined to be true.Then, on October 20, 2016, Nintendo gives you their first look at their new hybrid system, the Nintendo Switch. 

The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild appears on an HD screen, at 30FPS, but you don’t care, because you lose your collective mind when the presenter pulls the Switch out the dock, and continues his gaming seamlessly. You see NBA2K, and four players playing at a park, and you can’t contain yourself. You see Skyrim, and King Boo in Mario Kart 8, but King Boo wasn’t in Mario Kart 8, so you go bonkers because, Mario Kart 9?! 

And then you see a new Mario game, and you go so berserk, that you make fun of “Karen”, who slid the controllers off the system, and played with her friends on a rooftop. You salivate over what could possibly happen next. And that next comes in the form of a Splatoon game/Esports reveal. And then you know that Nintendo has finally done it! They took the dominant handheld market, sprinkled some Wii/WiiU magic, and handed you a cartridge based Nintendo Switch, for the low price of $299.99 MSRP.

Nintendo releases Super Smash Brothers Ultimate in 2018, and gives you every single character in Smash Brothers History, then gives you characters you had been wishing for since Smash 4, like King K. Rool, Ridley, and Banjo-Kazooie. (The game eventually finishes with 89 characters). You have Splatoon 2, again multi-platform games, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Super Mario Odyssey, and you can take damn thing anywhere. 2 players right out the box. You have the option to buy a pro controller, if the Joycon (Plural) is “Too small for your hands” (because that’s Nintendo’s fault somehow). 

They let you play online for free until September 18, 2019. Then they introduce Nintendo Switch Online, for $20 a YEAR, allowing you to have multiplayer online (like all other current consoles), cloud based saves (on games you can’t cheat on) and giving you a Netflix-esq service for Nintendo Entertainment System, and eventually Super Nintendo games. Game Trials, and Tetris 99 (Tetris against 98 other people), There is no social network, no themes, no eshop music, and still, this monster 1080p 60fps little beast outsold the WiiU in its first year. Its current sales are at 89 Million as of June 2021. EIGHTY NINE MILLION! But this article wouldn’t be without your...spirited opinions. Let’s count ‘em down. 

“It’s only 30FPS undocked.” (False) 

720p Screen (Uhh..yeah)

“I got big hands!” (We get it already) 

“Waluigi!” (You have 89 characters)

“Where’s my achievements, Nintendo? (Really?!)

These are some terrible NES/SNES games. (Sigh)

“The Eshop is in shambles.” (Legit) 

“Joycon Drift!” (Also legit, but they introduced a program to fix this for free)

“The Online Still Sucks” (Stop playing online. Go outside)

Not to mention that the usual rumor mills and leakers think for SURE that a Nintendo Switch PRO was coming. And we all know who was wrong on that one. Nintendo even say “We don’t have any plans for a Nintendo Switch Pro”, and y’all are like “This ain’t the first time Nintendo pulled that.” I have yet to find the other time. 

The latest and greatest complaint is how you think the NSO Online Expansion Pack is too expensive, at $4 a month, for N64 (the system you didn’t buy) and Sega Genesis games, plus the Animal Crossing paid downloadable content, just thrown in there. Of course now you’re complaining about how a game from 1996 looks on your 4K TV.

I could go on, about how you think Nintendo should release their games third-party or to PC, so you don’t have to emulate or pirate them. (Again, WUCK?!) I could talk about how you constantly say Nintendo keeps pulling their crap, because people keep buying it, but as history, and this article shows, The NES, The SNES, the Wii, and the Switch were all successful. The N64, the Gamecube, The WiiU, and the Virtual Boy (I had to throw that in there) were not, by your standards. 

But the common denominator through the years, through all of the ups and downs, is your endless complaints. The constant pounding drum of bitter Twitter comments and screaming YouTube videos. Perhaps it’s time to realize that you are too much, and Nintendo can’t please you. If so, simply stop buying their products. You’ve done it before. 

But stop railing on the faceless company and think about the people behind the name. The next time you decide you want to let your voice be heard online, about any company, think of all the hard work they do to please you. Think about the developers, the publishers, and the personnel who put together the presentations to get you hyped. 

Stop thinking about who Nintendo is, and think about who you are. Are you a toxic fan-person? Have these companies really made you that upset? Is the corpo strategy really that much of a burden on your gaming prowess? If so, put your wallet away. Hit them in the pockets. There is no achievement for being an anti everything echo chamber ever complaining brat, lacking a less professional term.  

Just don’t keep screaming online about how much you hate Nintendo. No one cares, and I think it’s quite possible that Nintendo is sick of you. I know I am.

Gaming Nexus would like to thank Joseph Moorer for sharing his...spicy views. 

Follow us on Twitter for announcements about when Games N Moorer is going live at @GamingNexus and @GamesNMoorer. Joseph streams on Facebook at http://facebook.com/gamesnmoorer/ and on Twitch at https://twitch.tv/gamesnmoorer .