Alone in the Dark (Hands off)

Written by Cyril Lachel on 6/24/2008 for PC   360   PS2   Wii  

Every day Gaming Nexus is sent brand new screenshots for a whole host of video games. Issued by the companies (or their PR department), these pictures are meant to get us excited about some big upcoming game. But without having a chance to sit down with the game and test it out for ourselves it's impossible for us to bring you real preview. So in an attempt to rectify this problem we have decided to post the pictures and tell you what we've learned from them. That doesn't mean that we'll actually have any useful insight regarding these pictures, but at least you'll have the chance to see the pictures for yourself. Up first we have Atari's newest "survival horror" game, something they've been working on for a number of years. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one, the only ...


Alone in the Dark Summary:
In the first new Alone in the Dark game in seven years, Edward Carnby is back to take on supernatural enemies threatening to destroy New York City's famed Central Park. No, I'm not talking about bums and hobos, but actual creatures that seem hell-bent on destroying Liberty City ... er, New York City. Little is known about the actual story of Alone in the Dark, but if it's anything like the past games, then you'll be stuck in increasingly scarier situations from scene to scene. There will be copious amounts of puzzles to solve, blood on the walls, and fires to put out. Will Atari's newest survival horror game be enough to tide you over until Resident Evil 5 and Silent Hill: Homecoming? Take a look at these pictures (and the wild assumptions I've made) to find out for yourself.

Picture 1: "A drink for me, and one for my homies!"
In this screenshot we learn that even though Edward is being hunted by strange supernatural creatures, he still has enough time (and foresight) to go pour out some alcohol for his fallen homies. I'm not sure if that's there to indicate that Edward has seen a lot of his friends die recently, but it does show that he has a good nature about things and is often respectful. Then again, this isn't the kind of thing you would add on your Match.com profile. It's not often you hear somebody say something like this: "I love to run, jog, take long walks on the beach, and pour out my alcohol for my fallen homies." You just don't see that any more. I can only hope that Edward also flashes gang signs, wears oversized clocks for no reason at all, and is on the ultimate quest to rhyme "orange" with something ... anything.

Picture 2: Sometimes It's Better to Just Use a Flashlight!
I hate to tell Edward how to do his job, but there is something to be said about spending the extra few bucks and getting the extra strength flashlights. For one thing you will save money on lighter fluid, which should pay for itself by the second or third Alone in the Dark game. But, more importantly, with a simple flashlight you won't, I don't know, ACCIDENTALLY CATCH THE WHOLE PLACE ON FIRE! And you thought that Edward had problems before, now he has to put up with Central Park on fire. He couldn't have just left good enough alone, he had to accidentally light the whole park on fire. And for what, to kill a few supernatural bad guys? I have a hunch that when the NYFD is charging you for arson they aren't going to care how many supernatural baddies you managed to take out. Let's face it, supernatural baddies is just your average day at Central Park.

Picture 3: Rule One of Surviving a Survival Horror Game!
I know I shouldn't have to say this, but there are specific rules to how you can survive until the end of a survival horror video game. The first, and most important, rule is to never, under any circumstances, should you enter a creepy abandoned building. How do you know it's creepy? First you check to make sure the building has electricity, if it doesn't then it's probably not someplace you want to check out. This is especially true if you are all by yourself and nobody responds when you call out to check if there are other survivors. If you find yourself in this situation trust me, there is no reason to stick around. Something bad is bound to happen, so adventuring further into a creepy house with no electricity is just plain stupid. Instead I recommend you turn around, walk out that door and head to the beautiful state of Hawaii. Trust me; Hawaii is the place to go, because nobody has ever based a survival horror game on the tropical islands of Hawaii.Picture 4: These Old Creepy Buildings Need More Visible House Numbers
Don't you hate it when it's late at night and you can't find a house because the owners refuse to put their address front and center? Well, that appears to be the problem that Edward is having in this Alone in the Dark screenshot. Had the owners of this house put their numbers front and center (and maybe even in front of some sort of light), he would have realized that this is actually 5708 Central Park Dr., not the 5705 Central Park Dr. address he was going for. It's a simple enough mistake; the other house is up the hill and kind a bit out of sight. But then again, red flags should have gone up the moment he saw this place. This doesn't look like the Happy Meadows Day-Care center. At least, I hope it isn't the Happy Meadows Day-Care center ... because if it is then they may want to think about a name change.

Picture 5: You Should Always Pay Attention To What You're Burning!
Starring in so many Alone in the Dark games has clearly gone to Edward's head, but that doesn't mean that he should start mugging for the camera. What's more, he definitely shouldn't do that when lighting bad guys on fire. There's a time and a place for those sort of antics (right before you're about to get your ass handed to you on American Gladiators), but maybe not when you're trying to save the world (or at least Central Park) from being destroyed by these spider-looking creatures. When I see a picture like this I want to just yell at Edward, "Hey!! Look at what you're doing, not at me. You're going to get us all killed if you keep mugging for the camera!" But then I realize that if he was able to hear me then he probably would have heeded my advice and ran as far away from Central Park as he could get.

Picture 6: Always Remember to Pack Appropriately
It's always a good idea to know what you need for your journeys and make a checklist. Let's face it, when you're trying to save the world alone, you can't accidentally forget something at home. In this picture it looks like Edward decided to pack the bare essentials, which includes a gun, lighter, PDA and ... a needle and thread? Okay, I'm sure that bottom pocket could be used for something more useful. Like, I don't know, how about a pen and paper, just in case you need to leave a note (or let somebody know where you are). Or, and I know this is really stretching it, a few extra rounds of ammunition. And that's just the useful stuff. Perhaps what he should have brought is one of those Clorox Bleach Pens, that way he could clean up those bloody marks on his shirt before they stain. I mean really.

What Have We Learned?
Judging by these pictures I can tell that this game will mostly take place at night, menace you with fire and feature disgusting four-legged bug-like creatures. I can also tell you that it looks like this game will be a non-stop thrill ride from start to finish. At least, it better be, because this game has been in development far too long for it to be just another generic survival horror game. Find out if my comments ring true when you play the game on June 24th. Until then you should check out the entire picture archive and see if you can piece the mystery together.